Name, Rank and Serial Number
by SophieSaulie
Summary: Billy and Rick are captured and Billy teaches Rick about how to endure under a less than optimal situation.
1. Chapter 1

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 1**

"_Whoa, whoa, really? Shooting me? That's a bit unoriginal, isn't it? I took you for a man who derives great pleasure in a prolonged, perhaps, even leisurely sequence of torturous pre-execution-style exercises, culminating in a drawn out, life snuffing procedure."_

Billy didn't know why he was remembering that speech. At that time, it had been just a string of verbal stalls for time. As he thought about it now, he didn't think that any of it would come to fruition in reality so soon after. How wrong he had been and he had been wrong his share of times.

It's not that he hadn't ever been in the situation he had found himself in before, being a CIA agent and prior to that as part of British Intelligence, you prepared yourself for the time when you would be faced with torture at the hands of whatever enemy it was who had captured you. He had been in that position in the past and for better or for worse, he had a pretty good idea of what was to come, but unlike the other times, he wasn't alone this time. What hurt and worried him the most was that poor, young Rick would be there to face it as well. It's not that Rick could have avoided the eventuality any more than he could have, but Billy had taken a liking to their new recruit. He had felt a need to protect him, had seen a bit of himself in younger, more idealistic days in Rick and had hoped to spare him the agonies of the job for as long as possible and reserve the victories of it for him so that he would never lose his idealism as Billy had, at least not so soon after joining the Company, but it was not to be. Even more upsetting for him was not so much the torture, to him or to Rick, for that matter, because sometimes pain inflicted on oneself was more endurable than to watch another suffer, but that Billy had already surmised that their captors had figured out that the way to break Rick was through his idealism and principles. It was a way that direct torture never could accomplish. Billy worried that they would crack him by using him as a weapon against Rick's humanity.

Shortly after they had been captured and imprisoned into the hellhole they were in, Billy had felt it his responsibility to coach Rick on what was to come.

"I want you to listen to me, all right? I fear that until Michael and Casey get to us, our lovely captors here are going to have a little fun at our expense –"

"Torture," Rick said, his voice shaky and Billy felt empathy for him.

"Yeh, I'm afraid so, but there's something even worse than that and I need you to promise me that no matter what happens, you will NOT break."

"What do you mean?" Rick asked, the fear in his voice rising.

"I've been around this block enough times to know that the physical torture is one thing, after awhile, you can almost control that pain, but it's the psychological games that they'll play which will have a more devastating effect. I know you well enough to know that they will play your idealism and humanity against you. It's not a weakness, lad, but it has no place in what we're about to face. I need you to promise me that no matter what they do to me, you will not break."

"Of course, and the same goes for you," Rick said, too simply and quickly for Billy's taste.

He recognized the denial in the statement; the "it will never come to that" mantra that he knew so well and that he also knew didn't work when reality finally showed itself. 

"Rick, I'm serious. I need you to understand clearly, this isn't a drill. This is real. You're not in a classroom where they tell you about this in the sterile sanctity of desks and Powerpoint presentations. In this moment, when there are no wounds, no blood, no bruises, no cries, moans, or screams it's easy to declare that you will be able to hold firm, to be noble and strong, but when it does begin and you do see the blood, the wounds, the bruises, hear the unavoidable sounds of suffering no matter how strong a man's will, it will become easier to surrender to the coercion, to convince yourself that the captors are telling you the truth, that they will spare me if you just give in. I need you to know that in this scenario there are no truths like that, only lies. There is no bargaining with people like these. Do you get me?"

Rick felt a shiver run down his back. Billy was preparing him for something he had had experience with and suddenly, he felt completely and utterly afraid.

'Yeh, yeh," Rick stuttered, the shock finally hitting him.

"Good, because I mean it. No matter what they do to me, no matter what you hear and see, you MUST NOT give in to any bargains they present you. Hold on because Michael and Casey will get here. It just may not be in time to avoid the inevitable. I'll do the same, but Rick, trust me when I tell you, that there will NEVER be a moment where blame or recrimination will enter my being, all right? I want you to believe that I would rather die than watch them break you to save me because saving our lives is not their goal and it never will be. The only way you could ever fail me is by surrendering your beliefs to keep me alive. That will damage you in ways that torture could never do to me. Is that clear?"

Rick looked into Billy's determined gaze and nodded. Rick found himself on the verge of tears, not for himself or for what he would be facing, but for the absolution of guilt that Billy was giving him at that moment. By telling him that he would never blame him for essentially doing nothing while their captors tortured him was achingly reassuring and that somehow had given him strength, something he knew Billy had intended to do. Billy nodded back.

Suddenly the door opened then one guard gripped Billy's shoulder and the other took Rick. They were both heavily armed so overtaking them was out of the question not without having a firm escape route or an idea of what obstacles might be in their way. Billy then gave Rick a look as if to comunicate that he was ready for whatever was to come and that instilled both confidence and fear.

"Once more unto the breach," Billy quoted Shakespeare.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

They were escorted into a room with two chairs, facing each other, but far enough part so as prevent them from helping each other. Billy was placed in one, Rick, the other. As Billy could have predicted, they tied his arms down to the arms of his chair. So much so he wondered if cutting off his circulation was part of the torture and if amputation would be a welcome relief. Rick had been restrained as well, but seemingly less aggressively from Billy's vantage point. All the while, Billy's gaze never left Rick's, the expression on his face bordering on confidence with a touch of smugness. He didn't give the guards any thing to read other than calm, cool defiance. If the situation weren't so dire, Rick might have smiled, but as much as Billy was putting on a brave face, Rick couldn't muster the same arrogance. He knew that made him easy to read and vulnerable, but he couldn't stop himself.

The guards then stood aside, waiting, as if automatons.

"How you holding up there, lad?"

"Okay," Rick said unconvincingly.

"I have to say that so far, this has been quite a retreat. I've experienced worse."

It never ceased to amaze Rick at how easily Billy's jibes came even under the most extreme of situations.

The door opened again and a large man in a suit along with a smaller man carrying a briefcase entered. The smaller man went over to a little table behind Billy. He placed his case on it and opened it. Inside were steel instruments glinting from the harsh bright light on the ceiling. Rick swallowed hard. Though he couldn't exactly see what kind of instruments they were, his mind envisioned the movie **Marathon Man**. Dustin Hoffman had been tortured by the Nazi dentist played by Laurence Olivier and the gruesome images had left an indelible impression on him. Billy couldn't see what was in the case because it was behind him, probably done so on purpose, but the paled palor and squinted expression on Rick's face had told him all he had needed to know and it was all bad.

The larger man came over, stood between them then turned to Billy.

"Who are you and what is your purpose here?"

Billy smiled.

"The name is Bond, James Bond," he said in that Sean Connery accent he had showcased for Doris Bulchek in Counterfeiting and for which hadn't moved or swooned the older woman, she favoring the Toby McGuire-sized man that Rick had represented.

"So, we're playing it that way, are we?" The large man said as he turned to Rick. "You too?"

"I think I'm only required to give you my name, rank, and serial number."

"I think you've both watched too many spy movies."

"Well, then our career choices weren't for naught," Billy joked.

The large man turned to a guard and gave a signal that neither Billy nor Rick had detected. The guard came over, took the butt of his rifle and slammed it into Billy's face then into his gut. He barely grunted, but Rick had seen his hands fist in subtle reaction. Rick struggled against his restraints instinctively, knowing that he was giving himself away, revealing too much, but he couldn't help it, his drive to help Billy, no matter how improbable it was, was overpowering.

Billy felt the hard contact into his face then the swift change towards and into his gut. He had anticipated the blow there and though there was pain, he had learned to take such impacts through muscle control using his mixed martial arts training. Casey may be the human weapon and of course had skills and control well beyond his own meager capabilities, but Billy knew that reliance on one man's mastery over subduing enemy combatants wasn't practical in situations where that man was not present as was the case now so secretly, during his off-hours, he had trained. It was as much to make sure he could protect his fellow operatives, as it was to use it as he was now. He took in a breath.

"Is that all you got, mate? You hit like a girl," Billy taunted.

The guard responded with more punches and though Billy was managing to hold his own, he knew that there would be a threshold where he wouldn't be able to fend off the blows anymore. Rick could only watch in helpless horror, resisting his restraints only causing scrapes and chafing. The large man signaled again to the guard and he then turned towards Rick. Billy saw what was coming and adrenaline from anger fueled some recovery. The guard punched Rick in the same manner and it took Billy every effort to not react. If he showed any concern, any weakness, Rick would pay for it even more as the tables would then be turned and Billy couldn't afford that. The man signaled the guard again and he stepped away from Rick. Billy was impressed at how well the young operative had fared against the barrage of blows.

The man then nodded towards the man with the case and he pulled out a small, yet intimating looking blade. It looked like a larger version of a scalpel. Billy thought to himself, of all of the kinds of weapons that could be used, nothing brought fear and dread to even the most stoic of men more readily than a sharp blade. Size didn't matter because all blades were deadly, they each could cause immeasurable pain in the hands of a skilled torturer.

"Ah, so I see we're moving on to the big guns, or, rather, knives, I mean," Billy said, his bravado unwavering if through the occasional shaky, recovering breath.

"It seems obvious to me that both of you have been trained to endure pedestrian methods, but experience has taught me that there isn't a man alive who can withstand more, how shall I put it? Creative measures."

The man with the blade approached Billy, rolled up his sleeve and exposed his left arm. He instinctively wanted to retract away from it, but knew he couldn't. He also realized that there could be one minor flaw in his plan to turn the torture away from Rick. His bravado may get misinterpreted as making him the obvious martyr of the two of them. That could turn their "attentions" towards Rick. He couldn't let that happen. As he watched the torturer bring the blade down then cut into his skin, scraping the blade lightly across, but drawing a small, thin stream of blood, he flinched. It was a shallow cut, but Billy realized that the blade had been coated with something, a burning sensation penetrated the small wound and he clenched and hissed as pain radiated up his arm, to his shoulder, then into his chest. He threw his head back in pain. It felt like a snake crawling up his arm and into his chest then settling there, gnawing his heart.

Rick's expression was one of agonized helplessness. He kept silent, but it took everything he had not to scream at the man to stop. The larger man noticed it as did Billy and he knew what he had to do even if it would be cruel to Rick. He had to let go of his carefully crafted control.

"I see that you are not as impenetrable as you let on," the large man said to Rick.

Rick cast him an angry glare. "Leave him alone."

"Gladly, but only you can give your colleague release."

Billy shook his head then stiffened against the pain. "Bugger."

Truth be told, he didn't think he had to fabricate his discomfort. This was new territory even for him. Rick watched, keeping Billy's words to him in his head to stave off any chance of giving into his innate need to help him.

"Do you like our new method?" The large man asked, a smile on his face.

"It's a delight," Billy grunted. "I must have the recipe."

"Oh there's more where that came from. I think we should let your friend think on what he's seen and will be seeing later. It might just change his mind."

Billy didn't have a witty retort as pressure in his chest choked anything that was on his lips. The guards released the restraints and guided them both roughly back to the cell. Once tossed in they locked the door. Rick rushed over to Billy, who was on his knees, taking shallow, quick breaths. He helped him sit more comfortably on the floor even though every move caused Billy to clench and stiffen. He then suddenly turned to place a hand on the wall, as if bracing himself against a rush of pain. Rick sat back, ran his hand through his hair, the movement sent spasms of pain through him, reminding him that he had taken a beating.

Billy relaxed a bit and had caught Rick's grimace.

"You all right there, lad?" Billy asked, breathless.

Rick was amazed at how Billy could even care how he felt.

"I'm fine. I should be asking you that question."

"I'll admit that I've been better, but so goes the torture game. Clearly, there have been some new innovations in technologies since my last brush with imprisonment. Chemical warfare seems to be the latest fad now. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned beating the crap out of someone, aye? I hate it when I'm not kept in the loop about these things," Billy joked as he clenched through the pain. "The plan hasn't changed though. We tough it out until Michael and Casey can get to us."

Rick could only stare at Billy's suffering and wonder about "the plan".

"What if they can't get to us?"

"Now, where's your faith?" Billy teased, but then his expression changed into determination. "They **will** get to us."

Billy's tone was without any reservation and Rick admired that he had faith in men who had clearly never let them down, but Rick's faith was waning, he had to admit, and it bothered him that he could so easily abandon it at a moment's notice like he had. Billy's unwavering belief would have to buoy them both up.

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 2**

Michael and Casey canvased the compound where Billy and Rick were being held. After discovering the spy trap in Volgograd, the CIA had been extra careful at vetting out missions, but the intelligence they were getting had indicated that more of them were popping up, whittling down the spy ranks at an alarming rate. The ODS had been given the task of ferretting out one of them, but they had been sold out and Billy and Rick had been captured. The person who had them was a rogue agent from Russian Intelligence, Vlad Kosovich, also known as Vlad the Impaler, his specialty, torture. It worried both of them what he was doing to Billy and especially Rick.

"The place is pretty fortified," Michael said.

"It makes sense. Former spy, he'd know all the right security measures to put in place, plus it helps that he's a megalomaniac," Casey quipped. "We're going to need help. We can't do this alone."

"I know. I've alerted Higgins. He's on board for a change."

"Higgins may be an ass at times, but when it comes the Company and the operatives, he can be downright reasonable, even when it's us," Casey said.

"True," Michael said, his thoughts elsewhere. Casey noticed and knew what was bothering him.

"It's not your fault."

"I sent them into a trap."

"Which we all knew was there, Michael. The whole point was to trip it and draw Vlad out. We had no way of knowing that Vlad had flipped one of our own."

Michael didn't feel very convinced. He was their leader. Any mission he sent his friends on made it his responsibility to get them out of when they were in danger. He felt as if he was abandoning them. Still, he knew that Casey was right. Billy would hold under any torture inflicted on him, he had seen it himself and if Michael were to be honest, if Rick had to be with any of them in that situation, Billy was the best of them. Billy knew how to employ every method, ruse, and snarky attitude to swing danger away from Rick and he knew he would use them all. Suddenly, Michael felt his throat constrict. They had to be in time. Time was their worst enemy now because even with Billy's fortitude, from what he had heard about Vlad, it would take superhuman control to endure what he doled out for torture.

"Did you read the intel on Vlad?" Michael said his voice distant, threaded through it was dread.

Casey nodded and there was a look that seldom ever crossed his face, fear, not for himself, but for his friends.

"You and I know that Billy has faced his share of torture. Second to me, he can withstand a lot. He'll also make sure that Rick stays safe. He knows what to do."

"Why doesn't that make me feel better?" 

"Because it's one of our own, both of them, but we'll get them out."

"I hope you're right."

Casey hoped he was too. His confidence in Billy was absolute. After six years of working together, he had more than proven to Casey that he was more than the glib sweet talker he projected. He had seen him finesse situations to their advantage like he had with Rostem. Michael had told him about how Billy had convinced Rostem to lead his country with historical references and had given the young man belief that he had the capability to rule. Casey had watched Billy fight with skills that, at the very least, had equaled his own. There weren't many that Casey could give that acclaim to and he was proud to do it.

He wasn't a sentimental man. His show of emotion came with his protection, using his abilities to keep safe his colleagues, his friends. It was his best and only way of letting them know that he cared. Dying fighting for them was the supreme honor that bested any CIA acknowledgement to his mind. Though Rick was new to the team, he had also shown himself worthy of being a part of their inner circle. Rick's compassion to humanity, to the assets they assisted caught Casey off guard at times, like the burial at sea prayer or the time he had shared who the woman was that he would die for. It was intimacy he didn't think he was capable of and yet it was drawn out by Rick's honesty and innocence. It was that innocence that worried Casey the most. Seasoned agents like him, Michael and Billy know what torture is like. Innocence was the first to be preyed upon and the first to be lost.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy and Rick were dragged back out of their cell again. Billy was still in pain, but Rick was amazed at how ably he was containing it. They went into another room, not the same one they had been in. Rick had been mentally cataloguing where they were going in relation to their cell. He was hoping that he would find something, an exit door, anything that could help them get out or to help Michael and Casey to get in. So far, there was nothing.

Billy's left arm felt on fire and the pain that rode up into his chest felt like it would crack his heart in two, but he was trying to keep it under control. He also did his best to posture himself as if nothing was wrong. Illusion was part of the psychological game he was playing with them. The less they felt in control of him, the better for Rick because they would concentrate their efforts on breaking Billy's physical will in order to break Rick's emotional will.

When they entered the other room, they took Billy and slammed him against the wall. Rick found himself lunging to help, but was held back by the guards and by Billy shaking his head. Vlad entered the room and smiled.

"How are we feeling?" He asked.

"Just dandy, uh, Vlad, isn't it? Former Russian Intelligence agent, traitor, torturer. Quite a reputation you've carved for yourself. Got a fitting moniker too. Vlad the Impaler, right? Any relation to the inspiration for Dracula?"

A guard came over and hit Billy again with the butt of his rifle. Billy swayed with the impact, but didn't fall. He rubbed his jaw.

"Must have hit a nerve."

"Take off your vest and shirt," Vlad commanded menacingly.

"While I appreciate the offer, I'm just not that into you."

The guard then punched him in the stomach. Billy then crumpled to the floor with a groan. The other guard joined them and they both worked Billy's vest and shirt off.

"Stop it!" Rick growled.

"You tell us what we need to know and your friend here can get some much needed rest," Vlad taunted.

Rick stayed stoic, but worry creased his face. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to take on everyone in the room, but knew that he wouldn't stand a chance and by trying, Billy, in his weakened state would be the first to get shot. Fist fights against armed men never worked like they did in the movies.

The guards hoisted Billy to his feet and pushed him back towards the wall. They locked in him place with leg and arm restraints.

"Kinky," Billy continued to taunt.

Vlad's little henchman then toddled in, once again carrying his brief case.

"Ah, your little minion, Mini Me, is here with his bag of tricks. Must be nice not to have to bloody your own hands, aye?"

"You have quite the mouth on you for a man who is about to suffer pain as he has never felt before. Your friend there, he's impotent to help you. He's just standing by when he has the power to save you, to stop all this."

"For one thing, Vlady, me boy, that man has more balls and courage than you'll ever have in your entire body and for another, you just go ahead and get your jollies while you can. Your time is just about up."

"Bold talk for a dying man."

Vlad then nodded to his Mini Me. He pulled out a long, thin needle. It wasn't a syringe. Both Billy and Rick were caught both curious and fearful.

"What? You going to knit me a sweater with that, are you?"

"You know, torture is a fine art. Beatings, water boarding, they're the barbaric methods of a bygone era. True, they have their uses, but one can accomplish so much more by understanding the human body's weaknesses, its vulnerabilities, using tools that barely cause any bleeding and don't cause any bruising yet if placed just in the right zones, can cause excruciating pain. My friend here, he possesses quite the understanding of those zones and he fabricated these instruments himself. They are of the perfect dimensions for the purpose they will serve. Think of him as like an acupuncturist, but instead of relief, he brings immeasurable torment."

Vlad then signaled his Mini Me who then approached Billy with the needle. Instinctively, Billy tried to struggle away even knowing he couldn't escape. His breathing quickened at anticipating where the needle would be plunged. The tip then grazed just below his clavicle and with a swift thrust, the Mini Me plunged the needle into Billy.

Rick watched in horror, mouth agape from shock and revulsion as Billy arched against the wall, fisted his hands as he pulled against his restraints. His head curved, turned and pressed against the wall, while he squeezed his eyes closed. Rick had expected to hear a blood-curdling scream given how Billy's body contorted against the obvious rush of pain hitting him, but what he heard was worse. It was more of a moaning wail. It was Billy's voice amplified by long breaths of moaning mixed with agonized grunts of failing control over the constant pain.

Billy had never felt anything like the pain he was feeling. Such a small needle and yet it felt like it was ripping his body apart with a constant flow of pain. There was never a moment of relief for him to wrench some kind of advantage over it or to grasp some semblance of being able to hold sway against it. Mini Me, then produced a syringe and helpless to resist, Billy watched him inject him with something. Once done, he yanked the thin needle out, immediately giving Billy relief, if not complete blissful unconsciousness, which was what he was craving at that moment. He kept taking in ragged deep breaths to relieve the dizziness, nausea, and quivering muscles that were assaulting him all at once.

"Take them back to their cell," Vlad bellowed then laughed as the guards complied.

When Billy and Rick were back in their cell, Billy slid down to the floor, using the wall for balance. The guards had thrown his clothes into the room and Billy tried putting on his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. After awhile, he couldn't keep his hands steady enough and gave up. He was trembling and it wasn't from cold. The pain from the needle was down to a dull throb, but he was feeling something affecting him from the shot the little Mini Me had given him.

He was feeling dizzy and feverish, his stomach began to cramp and he vomited. Rick came over to check on him, but Billy shook his head.

"I've been dosed."

"With what?"

"With Vlad, it's hard to know, but right now it's feeling like flu and food poisoning or the worst bender I've ever gone on. I've experienced all three at some point in my illustrious career. That, or something that's causing an infection...bollix, that sadistic bastard."

Billy groaned as he curled up. Rick had nothing to offer as far as any kind of medical treatment so all he could do was watch helplessly just like Vlad had taunted. Billy noticed Rick's demeanor change and feared what he had warned Rick about was happening to him.

He closed his eyes to steady the vertigo he was feeling. He took in some deep breaths.

"How you holding up there?"

"Does it matter? I'm not the one getting tortured," Rick said, frustration in his voice.

"As I suspected."

"What?"

"Torture envy. You wishing for some of this action, aren't ya? Bloody glamourous, isn't it?"

"Billy -" Rick said, regretting his words.

"What did I tell you? Vlad's getting into your head and you're letting him."

Billy groaned and closed his eyes.

"Rick, it's easy to fall prey to -"

"The psychological games, I get it -"

"No, to the hero complex."

Billy's body felt like dead weight. He felt exhausted and he knew they had miles to go before they were finally done or at least until he was.

"What?"

"I know you want to do something, some grand gesture to save me, but it's not in your control, mate. Remember what I said, no blame, no recriminations."

Then why was it that all Rick could feel was guilt?

"Hero's work, lad. Some times the hardest thing you can do is to just sit back and wait for the right moment. I guarantee that Michael and Casey are feeling as you are, but as sure as I am of them, I am of you. Some times it's all you have and it's enough for me to keep going."

Billy laid back, his energy seeping away from him.

"I'm sorry," Rick said. "I feel like I have all this training and that I SHOULD be doing something."

"Don't be sorry," Billy breathed. "I know I'm asking a lot of you. The fact that you're feeling so helpless tells me that what I'm asking goes against every instinct and humanity in ya. Believe me, knowing that just makes me even more convinced that I'm doing the right thing. You have to trust me."

"Okay. Okay."

Billy nodded, but then arched against the wall. He trembled with more pain. His head felt like it was in a vice grip and suddenly he was noticing that he couldn't think straight. It was a feeling he recognized.

"Damn it to hell," Billy said.

"What? What is it?" Rick asked, his concern rising up again.

"I think they dosed me with some form of sodium pentothal."

"Truth serum? How can you be sure?"

"Been dosed with it before."

Rick didn't want to ask the next question, but Billy knew what he was thinking.

"Barely managed to keep it from affecting me, but this variation of Vlad's may prove to be harder to control."

Billy stiffened and groaned.

"My head feels like it's going to implode…we may need to go to Plan B," Billy said through his grunts. "You may get your chance to be a hero after all."

Rick felt a familiar feeling of dread hit him.

"What?" Rick said, suddenly not wanting to be a hero.

"If I lose control, you may have to deflect my train of thought. If you do, you'll turn the torture towards yourself. It's not what I want, but I can't risk my jeopardizing everyone's lives. I can't let that happen."

"You won't let it get to you," Rick said.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, mate, but I'm not so sure," Billy closed his eyes. The light in the cell seemed harshly brighter than he had remembered.

Billy moaned and breathed through his pain, trying to concentrate his thoughts to see if it was possible. He knew not even having to see Rick that he was afraid. He understood all of the conflicting emotions Rick was feeling. When you're fresh from the Farm, you think you have all the tools necessary to face most situations and in some ways you welcomed the chance to prove yourself, but no one really knows their physical and psychological limits until they are tested in real world extremes. Billy, Michael and Casey had all been tested both as individuals and as part of the ODS. You don't do the missions that they do without having been touched by capture and torture. Luck eventually runs out for everyone.

"Ask me a question," Billy said.

"What?"

"We need to test my resolve against the pentothal. The only way to do that is for you to ask me a question."

"What kind of question?"

"I'll leave that up to you, but it should be something that you don't have an answer to."

"Then how will I know –"

"I'll be able to dodge it, now won't I?" Billy swallowed with difficulty.

Billy's patience was razor thin through no fault of Rick's, but he needed to know how much of a liability he was.

Rick hesitated. There were a lot of questions he could ask Billy. He'd been the most careful about revealing anything about himself so the curiosity about him crossed several subjects, but Rick also knew that he didn't want to cross any lines that would jeopardize Billy's trust in him.

Billy sensed Rick's hesitation.

"Anything, lad. No blame, no recriminations," Billy emphasized and he had meant anything.

"How did you get deported?" Rick then said quickly as if he were pulling off the proverbial bandage on an unknown, hopefully healing wound.

Billy opened his eyes slowly and smiled. He'd always known that Rick had wondered from the moment he had met him and heard his accent what he was doing at the CIA.

"You might not want to ask questions that you aren't prepared to hear the answers to, mate," Billy said softly. "Maybe under some other, more optimal conditions like roaring drunk in a pub, I'll regale you with my tale of woe in espionage, but for now, I think we should keep that in the safe hands of Queen and Country."

Rick nodded and Billy continued to smile. It seemed that he had passed muster until a knife-like stab of pain raced through his head then seemed to penetrate through his nerves to his entire body. It was then that Billy had found his scream.

"Billy? What's wrong? BILLY!"

Rick tried to approach him. Billy recoiled, but signaled to him that he needed a few minutes to concentrate against the pain. He trembled and fisted his hands. Each breath that he took carried with it a moan until finally things evened out.

"Okay, I get…where this…is going…" Billy breathed out.

"Where? Where is WHAT going?" Rick asked, the concern for Billy's health rising.

"This…formulation…of Vlad's…it has a failsafe…there seems to be some unfortunate, unforeseen consequences to lying with this drug in my system…now, I'm no chemist, but likely it activates pain receptors when someone lies. As opposed to the traditional pentothal where you can't lie, but I can work that to my advantage."

"Unforeseen consequences? How exactly can you work something like that into an advantage?"

Billy took in some deeper breaths.

"It's one thing to try to keep from telling the truth, from putting you and everyone else in the crosshairs. It's quite another to be able to lie and then just get a bone crushing headache in the process."

Rick looked at him agape with what Billy was trying to rationalize.

"JUST a bone-crushing headache? Are you trying to tell me that you consider telling lie upon lie and getting hit with the pain I just saw you go through an advantage?"

"I can endure it," Billy said. "Plus, it will drive Vlad mad that he can't break me."

Billy actually smiled at the prospect. He had enjoyed throwing at Gunther Voight's face that Gallo had been in deep cover under his nose for two years along with banging his girlfriend. Sticking it to Vlad would give him even greater satisfaction.

"But you don't know what that drug, all that pain could do to you."

"Believe me, it would be far worse for me if I had any hand in betraying any of you."

Rick found himself marveling at Billy's logic and loyalty. He understood the principle, but couldn't fathom the extent to which Billy would endure to protect them. It filled him with both pride and gratitude to call him a friend and fellow operative.

Rick watched Billy lose consciousness and was grateful that he was able to do it. He'd need the rest. He hoped that Michael and Casey would find a way to them soon. It wasn't lost on him that blood from Billy's nose had stained Billy's shirt. The torture was killing Billy.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 3**

Billy woke up groggily. Rick couldn't really sleep completely. He was worried that something would happen to Billy. He knew that the torture was already taking its toll on him. Billy's bravado couldn't hide the sallowness of his skin, the shadows underneath his eyes, the lines of pain etched on his features and more frighteningly, the blood coming from his nose. Billy noticed it and wiped it on his shirt.

"Bugger," Billy said. "There goes a perfectly good shirt."

"You okay?" Rick asked knowing it was a rhetorical question. He already knew Billy was far from okay.

"Never better," Billy said tiredly.

"You're usually a better liar."

"Under the circumstances, bluster is all I have left," Billy joked, his breathing laboring. "Listen, I fear that once that's gone, I may be as well –"

"No, that's not going to happen. Michael and Casey are going to get us out."

Billy smiled. "Oh, I have every confidence that they will, that's not the problem."

Billy tensed and twitched with pain.

"I'm just not sure what condition I'll be in when they do."

"You'll be fine."

"Rick, I need you to leave me behind if things get dicey –"

"Not going to happen and you know it."

"Rick –"

"We don't leave men behind, remember? Look at Simms," Rick pointed out, his expression then softened. "Look at me. You didn't leave me behind."

Billy saw the genuine gratitude that resurfaced on Rick's face at that memory and nodded. "I know, but as in all things in life, there are exceptions…"

"Not here."

Billy enjoyed seeing Rick's resolve. It was comforting if misguided.

"I don't know how much I have left to walk out of this –"

"I'll carry you if I have to."

Billy laughed, realizing the height comparison between them. Shards of pain then riddled through him.

"Though I do appreciate the gesture, I need to know that you will leave me behind if I ask you. I won't have you dying because of me."

"Well, since I'm **not** going to leave you behind, that just means you can't die because of me."

Billy gave him a quizzical look, but a smile crept onto his face.

"You **are** a cheeky blighter, aren't ya?" he said.

"I learned from a very good teacher," Rick said.

That caught Billy by surprise. He had respected Rick from day one. He knew that the hazing that they had subjected him to had been unnecessary. Years of experience in reading people had told Billy all he had needed to know. Rick was proving it to him once again. He knew that if Rick was going to make it out of this situation alive, he would have to expend every last ounce of energy to make certain that he did. He had to hope that his body would cooperate.

Billy nodded. Rick did the same. They had come to an understanding.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

They had both finally fallen asleep, but after what seemed like only minutes, they had been rousted once again. One of the guards pulled Billy to his feet and Rick saw Billy wipe more blood from his nose. Despite the sleep, he had looked deathly, but Billy straightened himself up to as much of his full height as the pain would let him as the guards led them back to the first room they had been put in. Vlad then entered shortly thereafter, along with his minion. If it weren't for what their presence had represented, the pair would be laughable.

"Ah, so, ready for another round, are we?" Billy taunted again, trying to keep from folding up in pain.

Rick found it amazing that Billy could find the energy, let alone the will to continue to risk additional abuse with his sarcastic banter.

"Maybe I've grown tired of this tedious game, aye? Maybe I should just shoot you right now to teach you and your friend there a lesson about making a fool of me?" Vlad said, pulling out a gun and aiming it at Billy.

Rick, once again, tried to lunge, but he heard the guards cock their guns and had to stop in place. He was impressed that despite being in pain and exhausted, Billy didn't even flinch and stared down Vlad with stoic conviction.

"Not your style, mate. You see, I know your type there, Vlady. I've faced your kind more than my share of times. You like having power over the pain and suffering of your prisoners and you'll keep exerting it until you get what you want. You can't help yourself, really. Compensating for deficiencies in other areas, I suspect."

Vlad slapped Billy with the butt of his gun and he teetered, leaning on the chair near him, but he turned back to face him, rubbing his face.

"Hit another nerve, have I?" Billy breathed. "Well, I guarantee you that you'll get nothing from me. So do your worst."

Suddenly, both Billy and Rick heard commotion out in the hallway. It was getting closer. Billy smiled and the knowledge that help was on the way rallied whatever tenuous control he had left over his pain.

"You hear that? That's the calvary coming your way, Vlady me boy. Your reign of tyranny is over."

Billy swiftly grabbed Vlad's hand with the gun and twisted it. Rick took that as his cue to subdue the guards. Billy kneed Vlad, causing him to loosen his grip on the gun. He wrenched it free and shot the other guard in one fluid movement so that he woudn't interfere with Rick's hand-to-hand battle with his guard. He then pointed the gun back at Vlad.

"Have a seat there, Vlady," Billy said as Vlad complied.

Billy secured him in the chair with the restraints. He tapped whatever adrenaline he had left to fend off the continuing pain. His body screamed at him to stop, to rest, but Billy knew that once he did, he would never be able to regain it back. He had to keep himself going until Michael and Casey got to them, until every one of Vlad's men was captured. Rick finished off his guard after disarming him of his rifle and using it to knock him unconscious.

"Get the door, lad. They need to know where we are," Billy commanded lightly, his body weakening and trembling.

Vlad's Mini Me then reached into his case to pull out a large knife. Billy realized that he was intending to throw it at Rick to stop him from leaving. He lunged towards him and wrestled him for the weapon. His strength was waning and he felt his control slipping, but he refused to give into it. He had to disarm Vlad's man and prevent him from hurting Rick. He refused to have come this far only to have their rescue end futilely.

Rick heard the struggle and turned. Just as he did, he saw Vlad's Mini Me plunge a knife into Billy's upper torso. He became paralyzed for a moment, hoping that what he had just seen had been a hallucination. He watched Billy groan and crumple to the ground and it all became too real.

Rick then came his senses, rage in the way that he had imagined Casey had felt it assaulted his body and he shot Mini Me twice, making sure that he wouldn't rise again. Rick had never felt such raw anger, his heart was racing, his breaths were coming in quick inhales as if he had run a marathon, but when he had spotted Billy on the floor, a growing pool of blood beneath him, all the anger dissipated. He went over to him, but when he tried to move him, Billy tensed with pain.

"D...don't..." Billy begged weakly as he cringed with pain, feeling that any reserves he may have had over it were now gone. He then turned his focus to Rick. "Y...you...okay?"

"Yeh, yeh. I'm going to get help."

Billy's breathing became more like erratic swallows of air punctuated by grunts of anguish.

"Y…you do that. I sense our r...rescue is at hand," Billy said curling into more pain filled assaults.

"Hang on, Billy," Rick said as he rushed off.

Billy took in more ragged breaths and found that his consciousness was slowly drifting away from his grasp. Rick would be safe now. Michael and Casey had come to their rescue, as he knew they would. He had never lost faith that they would. His protection wasn't needed anymore so he allowed himself to let go, too tired to fight off the pain any more, too helpless to staunch the blood flow that was draining his energy and spirit. He closed his eyes and allowed the welcome rest that would come with the darkness. The last thing he heard were voices calling his name, friendly, comforting voices, but he couldn't bring himself to answer them because the eagerly anticipated rest was calling to him too strongly.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 4**

Billy had been barely alive when they had arrived at the hospital. He had been resuscitated once en route and all of them had feared the worst. He had lost a lot of blood from the stab wound, and between the beatings and drugs, he was in obvious bad shape. He had been rushed into surgery to deal with the damage of the stabbing immediately, but the doctors wouldn't commit to any prognosis. Their grim expressions told them everything yet nothing at the same time and frightened the otherwise emotionally impenetrable members of the ODS.

All of them were gathered in the waiting room. Rick was sitting in a chair, still coated with Billy's blood, having tried to apply pressure to the wound, unable to accept that it was doing no good.

Michael recognized the look of shock and disbelief on Rick's face and felt sympathetic. He had felt guilty over the way he had treated Rick, hazing him, testing his loyalty to them, his resolve for the job. Billy had scolded him in private about letting go of his paranoiac tendencies and to trust his instincts, that he knew Rick had been authentic about his ideals, about his desire to serve his country, too good to be true, perhaps, but authentic nevertheless. Billy had affirmed those qualities long before he and Casey had. He had bonded with Rick, mentored him as much as he could about the flipside of doing the job, not only the dirty work, but also the grim work. Rick's first brush with being captured and tortured would always leave an indelible mark on his psyche, maybe more so having watched torture being inflicted on a colleague and a friend. It's those less than glamorous parts of the spy game no one can prepare you for, but Michael knew that Billy had done his best to spare Rick direct torture and he knew that Billy would have put a brave and courageous, not to mention a humorously defiant face to being tortured. Still, nothing Billy could have done could have helped Rick deal with the aftermath. With Billy fighting for his life, it was now up to Michael to step up and continue "the lesson".

"Are you okay?" Michael asked as he sat next to Rick.

Rick stared aimlessly across the room, not looking at anything in particular, clearly in a shocked daze.

"I don't know," he said, his voice tired and tinged with an imminent emotional break that Michael could see coming.

He nodded.

"Billy, he saved my life and I just feel like I let him down. I mean he tried to tell me that breaking would be the worst thing for me to do, to myself, to him, but I… I just can't believe that. I've been trained…I knew when I joined the CIA that I might die doing the work, but…"

"No amount of training prepares you for what you just went through, Rick. And for the record, you did the right thing. All of us would have told you the same thing Billy did. Although I'd be the first to admit to you that Billy is the best of us. If you had to have any one of us there with you for that, he's the one to have. He walks the walk and talks the talk. Not unlike you do. He's been through a lot, you'd think it would have made him the most cynical among us, but it hasn't."

"If what I did was the right thing then why can't I shake that it wasn't? Billy could be dying and I just…I didn't…I should have DONE something!" Rick said as he looked at all of the blood on his hands and clothes, Billy's blood.

Michael understood Rick's frustration, anger and rage. He worried that if Billy didn't make it, and the idea scared him too, Rick wouldn't survive the guilt.

"You, joining the team, believe it or not, have given Billy some one to share his optimism with. He wasn't getting that from me or Casey. I know that a lot of what he went through was to make sure that you'd never lose your idealism. Torture can make you question it. Sometimes kill it entirely."

"I'm not so sure it hasn't."

Michael's face scrunched in dismay.

"Don't let it, Rick. I'm telling you, no matter what happens to Billy, if you let this change who you are, you'll be turning Billy's sacrifice into a waste and THAT, I won't let you do."

Rick turned to look at Michael for the first time, the determined tone in his voice, shaking him from his self-absorbed reverie.

"How did you get over it?"

"I didn't," Michael said honestly. "Trying to do that, going into a kind of denial will only make you dangerous and a risk to other operatives because you stop caring about what happens to you. You even start to hope that you'll be taken out just so you won't have to feel the pain anymore."

Michael looked away, revealing his own emotion. Rick realized it and let his frustration fall away.

"Sounds like you've been through this before."

"All it takes is once," Michael said, dreamily. "So I understand. We all do. We've all had at least one mission, one casualty that we have to live with, but I refuse to believe that Billy is that casualty for you…for all of us. He's fighting and I know him, he doesn't do half measures. The mission isn't over yet for him. We have to see Billy through this because if it were one of us, he would be doing that for us."

Rick nodded.

"Go home and go get changed."

"I don't want to –"

"Do really want Billy to see you like that?" Michael said optimistically. "I'll call you if anything changes, but I doubt anything will. He's got a long haul to get through surgery. He's in the hands of the best doctors. You can't do anything for him right now."

Rick nodded again, stood up and left. Michael wasn't sure if he had gotten completely through to him, but at least Rick was moving. He wasn't paralyzed…for now. Billy would have used his consummate gift for compassion and patience to help Rick. Michael could only hope to measure up in even a small way.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick went home and peeled off his clothes, caked in Billy's blood, some parts of them drying, others still moist. He knew he would have to eventually dispose of them, but for now, he just let them stay piled on his bathroom floor. He turned the water of the shower to as hot as he could stand it to try to relieve the aches from his beating. He took a moment to just let the rivulets of water coat him. As it did, he could see the blood that had stained his hands and his knees when he had knelt down to apply pressure to Billy's wound washing down the drain. He squeezed his eyes closed in pain from the reminder.

His mind wandered and Billy's words drifted back to him.

_"Don't be sorry," Billy breathed. "I know I'm asking a lot of you. The fact that you're feeling so helpless tells me that what I'm asking goes against every instinct and humanity in ya. Believe me, knowing that just makes me even more convinced that I'm doing the right thing. You have to trust me."_

He was then startled from his reverie. The water had gotten cold and he had wondered how long he had stood there. He exited, dried off and dressed in casual clothes, jeans, a favorite t-shirt and a hoodie. He let his hair just air-dry. He had to go back to the hospital and stand vigil with Michael and Casey. In some way, he felt that he had let them down too. After all, Billy had been working with them for six years. He was closer to them than he was. Still, in the short time that Rick had been with the ODS, it had been Billy who had reached out to him, had mentored him through some difficult times, not the least of which was being captured and tortured. Billy had shown his own humanity, had risked his light-hearted persona in order to reveal his own personal wisdom.

"_Look, only a fool would walk knowingly into a potential firefight unafraid, okay? Because fear has a very real purpose, it reminds us that we're vulnerable, fragile even. But if you feel you don't have a handle on that fear, we need to pull the plug right now. And there's no point in looking over there. It's not their call or mine. It's yours."_

Billy had told him that he could do the kidnapping, had faith in him just like he had that Michael and Casey would rescue them from Vlad's compound. Rick hadn't told him then how much that speech, that vote of confidence had meant to him. And now, Billy could die never knowing anything other than he had sacrificed his life to save him, to keep all of them safe. He knew that Billy would have thought it enough, would have thought his life in exchange was worth it, but Rick couldn't accept that, wouldn't accept that. Billy had asked him to quantify his fear back then too, admitting that his own qualifying number had matched Rick's. If he were to ask him now to quantify how afraid he had felt, ten wouldn't be a high enough number.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick had arrived at the hospital. Michael was pacing. Casey was performing stretching exercises and humming to himself. He walked over to them.

"So? Any word?"

"Not yet. He's still in surgery. It's not surprising. Stab wounds can do damage that a bullet could never do," Michael said. "Did you try to get some sleep?" 

"I can't. I won't until I know."

Michael nodded and looked over at Casey.

"Music –"

"Calms him, I know. He did that while we were waiting for you to come back with the doctor to help me," Rick said, a small smile came to his face.

Michael nodded.

"Thanks again, for doing that, for saving my life."

"You don't have to keep thanking me, Rick. It's what we do," Michael said, his voice trailing off. "None of us is very good at waiting, at not having anything that we can do to change a situation."

"I get that."

Rick then sat down in a waiting room chair. Michael joined him.

"We've been through this before with Billy," Michael shared as he smiled and shook his head. "He can be a stubborn Scotsman. I don't know where he gets it and it's not suicidal, no one I know has the zest for life than Billy does, but he just can't help rushing in to save anyone. It's like he was born that way, if it's possible to have a genetic predisposition for heroism."

Rick smiled.

"I can see that."

Michael then became serious.

"It's why we trust him with our lives so readily."

Rick nodded.

"Has he given you the 'no blame, no recrimination' speech yet?"

"Yeh, yeh, he did," Rick said, smiling.

"He gave it to us too. He told us it's his St. Crispin's Day speech. Leave it to him to quote Shakespeare," Michael said with a smile. "I think he wanted to make sure that we didn't wallow in self-pity if anything ever happened to him."

Rick's expression then fell with sadness. Michael noticed it.

"That's why, no matter what happens, we have to honor that. We owe him that."

Rick took in a breath and sighed. He then nodded.

"I know, but it isn't easy."

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 5**

_**Sorry this is short, but a longer, more angst-ridden chapter 6 coming. Thanks for your patience in advance as I write and fine-tune it. Thanks to all of you for reading, favorite-ing and reviewing so generously. It means a great deal and is appreciated. I'm so thrilled that you're enjoying the story.**_

Billy came out of surgery and was stable. He was in recovery, hooked up to monitors, a ventilator and IVs. It was all very intimidating for Rick. Michael and Casey had let Rick go in first. Michael had said that despite the shock of the machines, it was important for him to see that Billy had survived, that he was still fighting.

Rick had always found Michael to be dedicated to the spy craft, but mostly aloof when it came to personal interaction that didn't involve a mission. He had treated them to drinks after Volgograd, but he hadn't shared much, he had just listened. Observation was something that Michael excelled at doing, that and formulating plans for their missions. It had served them all well at one point or another. It took him the longest to trust Rick, but now, it had seemed that Michael was finally trusting him, not just for himself, but for his team. Rick knew that if he hadn't, he would never have let him see Billy first. Michael was also protective of his team even though he knew that he didn't have to be. Rick believed that losing Simms had made Michael that much more protective. For him to trust Rick with their lives was even more important. All the more reason for him to feel that he had let Michael and Casey down too by letting what happened to Billy happen without lifting a finger to help, that he couldn't stop it. He knew that they didn't blame him. They didn't have to. He blamed himself.

Rick didn't know what to do. He felt just as helpless as he had in Vlad's cell. Seeing Billy so dependent on life supporting machines, churned his stomach. He took in a breath to stave off tears, but didn't think he could do it this time. He had never been emotionally distant. He grew up in a loving, emotionally expressive family so crying, let alone a man crying, wasn't really a big deal so he had never learned to be macho about this feelings. Watching Billy so vulnerable…so fragile as Billy had once said about a person's life, how much he had endured to protect him to end up the way he was, it pulled at Rick's heart painfully, so real that pain was, he couldn't keep the tears at bay.

"Twelve," Rick whispered to no one, but he knew that if Billy had been awake he'd understand.

He was rating his fear from one to ten and it was off the charts at that moment. He had wished that Billy had been there to share his fear rating with him just as he had when he had pepped talked him through kidnapping LaRouche. Billy admitting that he was just as afraid as Rick was then, that he had been afraid at all had been reassuring and had given him the determination to see through the mission to its successful conclusion. Without him now, he didn't know how to deal with the fear he was feeling. It was barely quantifiable.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Two weeks had gone by and the only reassuring thing throughout it was that Billy had not had a serious setback, but he was still unconscious, that onto itself a discouraging setback. It was of small comfort, but the men clung onto it. Missions still had to be accomplished and though the ODS had continued to do the work, their hearts weren't in it. They were without the soul of their team, but they had decided that he would have wanted them to "sally forth", as he would have put it, without him and they did everything they could not to be distracted and to keep each other safe.

From a mission stand point and because he was their leader, Michael had been especially affected by what had happened. He found himself second-guessing his decisions and did his best to make sure that they didn't rush in hastily. Casey, however, seemed to be throwing himself at every obstacle and threat, venting his rage against anything that came at him with a fervor he hadn't possessed before.

Rick was just going through the motions, his intellect operating more than his instincts. It was serving the purpose, but he had been surprised to find that the satisfaction he had gotten from the job wasn't there anymore. It was now just a job, not the "calling" it had been when he had walked through the doors on his first day.

They all visited Billy as many days as their missions allowed them time stateside even if the doctors kept telling them they didn't have to, that he probably didn't know they were there. They were all in agreement that Billy would know, did know.

Michael came by one night after visiting hours, explaining with a lie, as he was an expert at concocting them on the fly, that he was family and couldn't get away from work during regular visiting hours. He did consider himself all the guys' family. Gallo was right. They gave up everything, including any family ties to do the work they did. It was easier in some ways. In others, it was isolating and lonely, like now. Billy had left his family behind in Scotland. He had no one but the team so Michael made sure that he would not wake up feeling abandoned. He had instructed the doctors and nurses that if there was any sign of consciousness, to notify him immediately, day or night.

Michael had decided that the most frightening sound in a hospital was the ventilator because its push pull of air meant that the person wasn't doing the breathing. It didn't necessarily mean that Billy was a lost cause, but he was vulnerable because he needed help doing the most basic of things such as breathing. Something they all took for granted and would trade places with him in a heartbeat.

Michael sat down next to the bed. He interlaced his fingers and leaned on his chin. He then closed his eyes as if in prayer.

"You gotta wake up, man. The team…it's falling apart without you here. And don't laugh, you knew this would happen," Michael said with a shaky smile. "I even miss your nattering on the drive to the office."

No answer, just the sound of the ventilator. _Push, pull, push, pull._

"I'm not enough for them. You can't order people to get back to who they were before…" Michael said as he rubbed his face.

"Casey…" he paused. "I didn't think it was possible for him to throw himself even more into being quite literally a human weapon. He's now more like a human shield. He doesn't care anymore, Billy. All he has is rage now. He blames himself…we all do."

_Push, pull, push, pull._

"I'm more worried about Rick. He can't unload his guilt," he said. "I'm having trouble with it myself, but I think he's lost his innocence. We knew it had to happen someday, but I think losing it this way, with you like this. It's gonna take a toll that may not bring him back from the brink. He keeps reading that ode you wrote for him and Casey."

_Push, pull, push, pull._

"You know me. I'm no good at rescues like that," he said, taking a shaky breath. "I'm sorry I didn't rescue you in time."

_Push, pull, push, pull._

"Rick needs you back, Billy," he said. "We all do."

_Push, pull, push, pull._

"Find a way, Billy. You always do…" he said. "Find a way because if you don't, the ODS…it's done. Higgins will finally win."

Michael then stood up to go home when suddenly, he heard a noise. Not the ventilator, but struggle. He turned and saw Billy, eyes wide open, trying to breathe on his own. Michael pressed the call button over and over.

"Hang on, Billy. Hang on."

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 6**

The doctors removed the ventilator. An unspeakable relief fell over everyone. Billy was weak, but awake and responsive. His voice was hoarse from the ventilator and he tired easily, but it was all good news. The only thing that worried the doctors was a fever that was slowly rising. They pumped fluids and antibiotics into his IV and would watch him closely. They warned that the fever might make Billy incoherent at times, but no one cared about that. They still could only see him one at a time to keep from taxing him. He needed as much rest as possible. Again, Michael told Rick to go in first. He had recognized that Rick needed Billy more than they did at that moment.

Rick walked tentatively into Billy's room. He looked smaller, thinner…fragile. Rick thought about turning around and walking out to give Billy some rest, but Billy heard him, turned his head and opened his eyes.

"Ah, good…you're all right," Billy said, his voice a raspy whisper.

"Thanks to you," Rick said, his voice choked with emotion.

Billy, even in his weakened condition, sensed something off about young Rick.

"How you holding up?" He asked.

"Okay. I'm okay." 

"Now who's the lousy liar, aye?" Billy softly teased with a trembling smile.

Rick could only bow his head. He couldn't bring any words into his mind or to his lips. Billy could feel the tension in Rick's demeanor.

"Rick? What's wrong, lad?" Billy asked.

"I'm sorry…I…" Rick said as he rushed out of the room.

Billy closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He hated feeling so weak, so unable to get out of his bed to go after Rick. He was worried about him. He had looked pained.

Michael then came into the room shortly after.

"What happened?" Michael asked, "Rick just ran out of here."

"You tell me…he seemed upset about something…I thought seeing me risen from the dead would at least cheer him up. Believe me, it did me," Billy joked weakly.

Michael bowed his head.

"Now you're doing it. Is there something you're not telling me?"

"No, no, not about your condition."

"Then what?"

"Rick, he's taking what happened to you really hard. Not that we all haven't, but-"

"He blames himself, doesn't he?" Billy said, closing his eyes again.

Billy was feeling responsible for shaping Rick's first experience with capture and torture. He knew that there was very little he could have done to have softened the blow, to have sheltered Rick from the abuse he would see and directly experience, but realistically or not, he had wanted to make sure that Rick would survive it.

"Yeh. He can't help it…" Michael said. "We all can't help it."

"Whatever for? It's part of the gig, you know that…none of you did anything wrong."

"It's not about what we did. That's not what's bothering Rick. It's about what we didn't do, what he feels he didn't do."

"I told him not to intervene," Billy said.

Michael smiled.

"What?" Billy said, truly confused.

"You know, you can be dense sometimes. It doesn't matter what you tell us. We're a team and Rick, well…he was there. He wanted to help you, maybe even **needed** to help you and when he couldn't, when you told him not to, to protect him, he probably felt he should have protected you anyway and he feels he didn't, that he let what happened to you, happen," Michael enlightened. "My guess, he thinks he should have disobeyed you, broke with protocol. We've given him a hard time about being so easily suggestible. I think that in that one moment, he felt he should have defied you even if it meant getting killed."

Billy nodded in understanding.

"We've all felt helpless that way. Sometimes I forget that I used be like Rick. Idealistic, impulsive…trusting," Michael said almost dreamily.

"Aye, true. We do lose sight of what's important, don't we? Rick's joining the team though, helps remind me what I do the job for…who I do the job for," Billy said, closing his eyes in self-recrimination. "But sometimes I can be a right selfish bastard, can't I?"

"No, just too damned noble for your own good," Michael teased.

Billy sighed heavily and smiled. Michael looked at his team member, the man he carpooled with every day, more importantly, the man who had been his friend for six years, who had borne his character flaws with support and loyalty and he felt a momentary shiver of fear riddle through him. He had almost lost him and Michael truly didn't know what he would have done without him.

"You scared all of us, you know," Michael said.

"I scared myself," Billy said then looked at Michael. "Thanks for coming for me, mate."

Michael bowed his head again. Billy knew where his thoughts had gone.

"You're thinking of Simms, aren't ya?" Billy said sympathetically. "You didn't let him down, Michael."

"No, I just left him…for three years."

"We all thought he was dead."

"I should have tried harder. When you and Rick got captured, it was like the past repeating itself."

"It wasn't. You and Casey, you got us out."

"Until the next time."

"Rubbish! Listen, getting the boot from the British Secret Service and ending up in the ODS was the best thing that could have happened. I got back the purpose I thought I'd lost. What they did to me there…now **that** was leaving me for dead. None of you have ever done that. Not even young Rick, there."

Billy clenched in pain and Michael realized that he wasn't doing him any good with his guilt trip and besides, Billy was right.

"You're right. What's past is past, but you get my point about Rick. He's still –"

"Barely out of nappies. I know. I do often forget that. I'll fix it."

"Billy, you don't need to fix it, just be honest with him like you always are, like the way he deserves to be treated by me and Casey. Like it or not, he relies on you more than the rest of us to give him perspective. After what happened, I think he needs to know he hasn't lost your trust or your faith in him."

Billy nodded.

"I'll let you rest."

Billy nodded again and couldn't fight off sleep even if he wanted to.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Michael went back out into the waiting room. He didn't find Rick there.

"Where'd Rick go?" Michael asked Casey.

"He said he was going home."

Michael shook his head.

"I'm worried about him."

"He just needs time."

"He needs absolution from Billy."

Casey nodded.

"He's not the only one," Casey said.

"I thought you said that guilt was a fatiguing emotion and to channel it through rage?" Michael teased.

"Sometimes rage isn't enough," Casey said with pain and disappointment in his voice.

Michael nodded.

"I failed him," Casey said, no hint of the God complex he had claimed once.

"You know that sometimes things aren't in our control, right? I blame myself too, but I know that blame doesn't help any of us, especially Rick. Billy doesn't believe in blame or recrimination -."

"His St. Crispin's day speech," Casey said smiling and nodding.

"Yeh, and I know that includes each of us too. Like always, we have to get past the mistakes, learn from them, and do better the next time. Rick has gotta learn that too. The most important thing is that Billy's okay."

Casey nodded again.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Michael had let Rick sleep the next day but had called him as soon as Billy was able to have visitors. Rick had stopped by the hospital, but had found himself hesitating at seeing Billy. Michael knew that the sooner he faced Billy again, the better.

"Rick, Billy wants to talk to you and you need to talk to him."

"I know. I felt like such a coward for running off like that. It's just seeing him that way...it brought things back..."

Michael was sympathetic to what Rick was going through. While Billy was unconscious, Rick could bury himself in work to forget, but seeing Billy so vulnerable probably brought back all the memories of their imprisonment.

"It's okay. Like it or not, you're going through some post traumatic stress and frankly, I'd be more worried if you weren't acting afraid, but you'll have to face Billy and those memories if you want to get past what happened. We're all here for you, but Billy, most of all, will get you through it. He's seen us through some rough times. He'll do that for you too, but you have to give him the chance. You have to give yourself a chance."

Rick nodded. He took in a breath and walked towards the ICU. He hated that dread invaded his body with every step that he took. Billy had been there for him even through the hazing of gaining everyone's trust. He had teased and cajoled Rick to ease his nervousness and his anxiety. He had advised and enlightened when Rick had needed the perspective. He had been honest and consoled when Rick was facing his fears. He owed Billy more than he could repay and yet all Rick could feel was the need to run away because facing Billy meant facing his failures.

He took in a deep breath and walked into Billy's room. The doctors had reminded them that Billy was still battling a fever from an infection and to expect him to be incoherent at times.

Billy's spy senses hadn't been dulled by his injuries or by the infection that was currently assaulting him with a vengeance. He heard someone enter and turned to see Rick there. He greeted the young lad with a weak and, he hoped, reassuring smile. He was glad that Rick had girded his courage to see him. He understood how difficult it was for him and he knew his avoidance hadn't been personal. Rick was battling demons, demons that Billy wished he didn't have to defeat, but he knew that Rick had to overcome them if he was to ever move on and continue doing the work with a mended psyche. Billy was determined to make sure that he would, that Rick would never doubt that he was there with him every step of the way.

"You all right there?" Billy asked, breathy from the exertion of fighting off the infection raging his body.

"Yeh, yeh, look, I'm sorry I ran off yesterday..."

"You got nothing to be sorry for. It's me who should be apologizing."

"What? No, you don't-"

"Yeh, I do. What you went through...what you saw…I never meant to brush it under the rug. To your credit, sometimes I forget that you haven't been at this for very long. I wanted to protect you...but I was selfish. I was doing you more harm than good by keeping you from doing what I know is second nature to you. I can't and I won't regret sparing you the torture, but I do regret treating it as if it meant nothing to ya. I know that possessing the stellar character you do, letting what happened to me go unchallenged would have been tantamount to betrayal in your eyes, no matter my telling you that it was all right to let those bastards have a pass. I'm sorry for doing that to ya."

Rick watched Billy struggle fighting his infection and yet he marshaled every last ounce of energy he had to spare to let him know that he had been sorry for what he had thought was leaving him to deal with his feelings of failure alone.

"You didn't fail me, Rick, but I understand that you may feel you have. I just want you to know that I'm here for ya. So are Michael and Casey. You are ODS as much as we are and we leave no man behind."

Billy, feeling he had nothing left to expend, let himself slip into unconsciousness. Rick had been left speechless and moved by Billy's words and felt resolved that he had to get over his guilt, that he owed it to the men who had taken him into their elite cadre especially to the man who had saved his life.

**TBC Thanks as always for reading and reviewing. It's all very much appreciated. Some complications and revelations to come.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 7**

Billy's fever had gotten worse. Delirium had set in and the doctors had amped up the antibiotics in the hopes that it would defeat the infection. They had worried that if the fever didn't abate soon, Billy could die of organ failure, the strain on his heart being of the most concern.

The visits to Billy had become part guard duty part vigils. Billy had begun talking, mostly gibberish that had no context. Intermingled, however, were reenactments from real memories. Though the hospital staff were able to handle Billy medically, one of them had to be there to make sure that he didn't say anything that would compromise current missions along with operative and asset names. Some times the memories were powerful and they would find Billy reliving the past vividly, down to the movement of his hands and the emotional reaction on his face and in his voice. Some of the memories involved Michael, Casey and Simms. Others involved names they didn't know but had assumed must have been his fellow agents back in the British Secret Service.

Billy's breathing had become labored both from the memories and from the fever. Phantom pain from injuries in his memories became indistinguishable with his current injuries so the doctors had to be careful not to overmedicate him. They couldn't sedate him completely either. Michael, Casey and Rick took turns talking Billy through the delirium and the hallucinations. Sometimes they had to pretend to be other people in order to keep Billy calm. Then there were the lucid moments when he would be in the present, putting on as brave a face as he could through his exhaustion. All of them were worried about him, but especially Rick. Billy had resisted the truth serum to keep CIA secrets to himself as well as to protect Rick from having to reveal them so to be undone by a raging fever betraying his body and mind seemed unjust on so many levels.

Rick watched Billy strain to breathe and moan. If it was possible, he looked worse now than when he had been tortured by Vlad. Rick bit his nail in concern when Billy stirred again, moaning. Rick got up from his chair and Billy turned to look at him. Rick found it strange that he found himself hoping that he would recognize him as if it mattered if he did when it really shouldn't.

"You look awful, mate…" Billy wheezed and gasped. "You should…get some rest, yeh?"

Billy trembled as if chilled.

"I'm okay. Everyone's worried about you."

"I'm…worried about me…too, lad," Billy panted yet found a way to smile through his pain. "Listen…just in case…"

"Nope, nope, there is no just in case, Billy. You'll beat this. You're going to be fine," Rick said, though not as definitively as he had hoped.

"I'm…trying…but…" Billy closed his eyes, arched his body as he shook with pain. "I…n…need…I need…y…you to take care of Michael and Casey…just in case."

He smiled, but then groaned.

"What? No, I can't. No, no…" Rick stuttered. "Only you can do that."

Billy clenched his eyes closed.

"You can do it…they trust you...not easy for them to –"

"Stop," Rick said, squeezing his eyes closed, wishing he could do the same with his ears, trying to keep from hearing any deathbed confessions or to make any deathbed promises because once he did, he knew that would give permission for Billy to let go and as cruel as it was, he wasn't going to give that to him. "You HAVE to fight this, I mean, no, you WILL fight this."

"Not so sure…I can…so tired…" Billy said, his voice a choking rasp as he swallowed difficultly. "Spirit is willing, yeh? But the body…"

Rick's face then contorted, a mixture of anger and despair etched across his face.

"NO! You don't get to give up this way, you hear me? You took that torture…for me, damn it! You're not going to surrender now. NOT THIS WAY!"

Billy saw the turmoil on Rick's face. He realized then that what he was asking of him was unfair. Rick sat back down in his chair, dejected, the anger gone, but the despair still on his face.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"D…don't apologize, mate. My…fault. Being a right git again, aren't I? Telling you how it's got to be…not giving you your say…I'm sorry. Michael's…right…I can be dense sometimes…"

Rick just looked at him. His eyes were rimmed with tears and he took in a breath.

"Fifteen," Rick said to him, a pleading look on his face as if to tell Billy that he was poised precariously on a ledge of fear, threatening to fall off of it.

Billy looked at him and saw Rick entreating him to pull him off of that ledge of fear, understanding what Rick was telling him with that singular word. It had harked him back to when he had guided him through his kidnapping of LaRouche. They had been quantifying their fears then. He nodded as if in agreement.

"Fifteen…it is then," Billy breathed heavily, a small smile on his face.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy was still going in and out of feverish hallucinations, his periods of calm lessening, his mind staying in the present becoming fleeting, and his body being taxed to its limits becoming frightening. Michael, Casey and Rick continued to take shifts, but Rick insisted on doing more shifts and staying longer. Michael and Casey had understood. There had been a brotherly bond that had been developing between them, a bond forged by Billy's compassionate tutelage of Rick. Billy had understood that there had to be more to training Rick than just thrusting him into situations and continually testing his loyalty and resolve. They had been jaded having been together for so long, losing Simms then getting betrayed by him had hardened all but Billy. He understood what real betrayal was like. He had been abandoned by the British Secret Service, which he had served with dedication and with fierce commitment. Yet, he, of all of them, had harbored no animosity and had not transferred any rancor towards them or to Rick because of what had happened to him. Michael and Casey had appreciated the perspective that Billy had given them whenever they had strayed from what had been important.

Rick had taken another evening shift with Billy. Going home and trying to sleep there had been futile at best. Rick was driven to making sure that Billy would never be alone because he knew that Billy had done the same for him. He had remembered that when he had gotten shot by the cartel, it had been Billy who had insisted on caring for Rick, on taking hold of the tourniquet the entire time. He had felt Billy's determination not to let him die or not to make him feel that he was on his own.

Growing up in a family as a baby brother with all sisters, Rick had admittedly gravitated towards Billy's seemingly intuitive understanding of his need for guidance. His gratitude for that was immeasurable and he felt the only way that he could express that was to make sure that he had returned the favor, to fight for Billy.

As Rick began to nod off in the very uncomfortable cot that had been placed in the room, he heard Billy scream a name.

"NICK! NO!"

Rick rose from the cot and quickly went to Billy's side.

"Billy? Are you all right?"

Billy opened his eyes, his face sweaty, his pallor ashen, and his breathing shallow.

"Why are you calling me that, Nick? It's Liam. Don't you recognize me?" Billy said his voice barely a croak.

Rick realized that once again, Billy was reliving another part of his past. Clearly it was back at the British Secret Service. He reached for the cup filled with ice chips and gave one to Billy to hopefully soothe his throat. Billy accepted it with a sense of relief.

"Thanks…" he said gratefully.

Billy then suddenly began to pant as if he couldn't catch his breath. His face twisted in distress. Billy then looked at Rick as if he didn't recognize him.

"Who are you? You're not Nick! Where's Nick? Oh my God, no, no, he's dead, isn't he?"

Rick was feeling helpless for Billy. He was acting inconsolable, clearly from the loss of a good friend, maybe even a team member from the Secret Service and there was nothing Rick could do to call him.

"I don't know, uh…Liam," Rick said to play along. It was difficult calling Billy by another name.

Billy then calmed, but the devastating despair was in his sea blue eyes.

"No, no, he's dead. I know that now. I killed him," Billy murmured, grief in his voice.

"I'm sure you're wrong," Rick tried to comfort, knowing Billy's character and that he would be incapable of killing a friend. "You could never hurt or betray a friend. **I** know that."

"I may not have pulled the trigger myself, but I may just as well have," Billy said. "I got distracted…let that bastard out of my sight for a second…just a second. I was supposed to shadow him…Nick…he'd spotted that the traitorous git…was going to shoot me…"

Billy let a sob escape his throat.

"Put himself in harm's way the idiot…why'd he go and do that, aye? I wasn't worth it."

Rick didn't know what to do so he just let Billy sob. He didn't need any more details to know how it had ended and no words of comfort now could change the outcome for him so Rick just let Billy sob, grasped his shoulder to let him know that he wasn't alone.

Learning what had happened in that incident gave Rick insight into why Billy had not only coached him about what might happen with Vlad, but why he had incited the torture onto himself. He had already lost someone because of what he had perceived as his fault, some mistake he had made and though Rick understood that mistakes happened, he doubted that Billy could have done anything wrong then. He now understood why Billy would never let anyone else suffer or die on his watch. Rick had come to know Billy's character working with him over the last few months of being in the ODS and he understood why his friend Nick had saved him because he was worth saving. Rick would do the very same thing without hesitation.

"You're wrong. You **are** worth it," Rick said, hoping Billy would hear him.

Billy closed his eyes then stilled into what Rick had thought was sleep.

It was then that he heard the alarms for the heart monitor squeal. Billy was arresting.

Rick had been shoved out of Billy's room as the doctors and nurses ran in to help him. He was in shock, numb, yet he couldn't take his eyes off the flurry of activity happening around Billy. Commands were being shouted, but he had to admit he wasn't paying very close attention to what was being said. He was more aware of sounds, the rolling wheels of a cart, the extraction of defibrillator paddles, the squish of lubricant gel onto the paddles, metallic scraping as the doctor distributed the gel and the worst sounds of all, the thump each time they discharged electricity into Billy's body, seeing it arch with each charge, trying to restart his heart and then the sound of the long, high-pitched tone of failure.

Michael and Casey had joined Rick. He barely registered their presence. They, too, stood stunned in place at what they were seeing. It was unreal to consider that the person they had called a team member and more valuably, a friend, was fighting to live and none of them could do anything to help him, to give him some kind of will to live. They had to hope that Billy would find that will inside of him.

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 8**

"_CLEAR!"_

_THUMP_

_Nothing_

"_Again! CLEAR!"_

_THUMP_

_Nothing_

"_Again! CLEAR!"_

_THUMP_

_beep, beep, beep, beep, beep_

Billy's heart then finally began beating again. It had seemed that all of them had collectively stopped breathing at the same time. Rick felt light headed. He kept himself from closing his eyes because he was afraid that if he did, it would send him to the floor unconscious.

After stabilizing Billy, the doctors had told them that it would be touch and go for the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours. The infection and fever had strained his heart. It made them all discouraged to see Billy back on the ventilator again, but it also affirmed their vigilance to keep staying with him, even though now Billy couldn't reveal any more secrets.

Casey told Michael to go home, but couldn't convince Rick to leave so he stayed with him.

"I'm okay, Casey," Rick said.

"I seriously doubt that. You look like hell."

Rick couldn't help, but smile. Casey never minced words.

"Thanks. Really, you don't have to stay."

"Well, has it occurred to you that maybe I need to stay?"

Rick wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a glimmer of something as close to worry as Casey ever gets. Frustration, yes, worry, hardly ever.

"Truth? No," Rick said with a small smile.

"Well, then, guess you shouldn't jump to conclusions."

"I guess not."

They both sat on the cot, one at either end to prevent it from collapsing all together. Casey saw Rick's face buckle with concern.

"Billy, he's strong. He'll be okay," Casey offered.

"I hope you're right."

"I know I am because second to me, he's withstood his share of torture and come out the other side."

Rick couldn't help, but smile. That was quite an admission from Casey.

"I'm sorry," Casey blurted out.

Rick was caught by surprise.

"For what?" 

"For not being able to help you when you got shot."

_Another admission…Rick thought. Hell must be freezing over right about now._

"It's okay. I understood. I know that if you could have done something, you would have," Rick assured.

"I've only felt that way one other time," Casey paused as he cast his gaze over to the man fighting for his life. "With Billy."

Rick was intrigued. Casey was the epitome of closed off. He barely revealed anything personal, didn't know how to express emotion both on his face and in words unless it was anger. So for him to share such an intimate admission was monumentally out of character. Casey had noted that Rick was waiting for more of the story.

"When he came to the ODS, Billy's past was pretty much sealed both personally as well as procedurally from us so we didn't have much of a reference to go on and because Higgins was constantly gunning for us, we couldn't afford to make any leaps of faith. We were all skeptical. Simms was with us and we had just taken another casualty. Billy, like you, was our latest recruit to make us a team of four again. You two have a lot in common. He was annoyingly positive about just about everything, eager to please, volunteered to do the dirty jobs. Sound familiar? And he would talk ALL the time, like quoting Shakespeare," Casey related then paused. "He was…is also fearless, committed...brave."

Rick saw admiration flitter across Casey's face. Rick understood. It was those qualities in Billy that he had connected with and now he understood why.

"Anyway, one mission…let's just say it didn't go as planned. I was out of commission. My leg and arm were broken. I really believed I was a goner. Billy rushed in and pulled me out of harm's way…" Casey paused to clear his throat. "I didn't find out until later that he'd been shot three times."

Rick nodded. It wasn't hard to believe after what he had seen himself in Vlad's compound.

"He'd gotten me to safety then collapsed. He'd almost bled out expending everything he had to get me out of there. He should have left me behind. I told him to get out, that I was done. I would have understood. I'd just figured that it was my time, you know? But he wouldn't leave me," Casey continued, his face as open with emotion as Rick had ever seen. "He'd almost died saving me. He wouldn't accept any other outcome if he was able to exact the rescue. So from that day, I never questioned his commitment to the team or his tenacity for living. That's how I know he'll make it."

Rick nodded again.

"Thanks for telling me that. I know that you're not into sharing –"

"Tell that story to anyone and I'll make you regret it," Casey said, his mask of stoicism back up.

"I don't doubt that," Rick said with a smile.

Casey then softened a bit again.

"You remind him of himself. He understands what it's like to be an outsider to the ODS, to have to deal with a couple of paranoid and cynical old spies. He understands how we work yet he is as far away from whom we are as you are. More importantly, he sees your potential in ways that we didn't and because of that, he will never let you down."

"I already know that," Rick said as he looked over at Billy. "I'm just worried –"

"That you'll let him down."

Rick nodded again. He felt completely inarticulate.

"Believe it or not, Michael and I worry about that too. He's given you his St. Crispin's Day speech, right? No blame, no recrimination? Well, he means it and lives it. He knows you won't let him down, let us down. I know it too."

_Whoa…Rick thought to himself again. That makes three admissions in one sitting. Hell not only just froze over, but the world might have just come to an end. _

"Thanks," Rick said, not wanting to press his luck by getting mushy on Casey. He knew better. Doing that could cause bodily harm.

_Flashback_

_"Billy, get out of here! I'm a liability!" Casey shouted, every movement testing his considerable self-control to keep from screaming in pain. _

_"Rubbish!" Billy groaned with struggle as he took him by the armpits and dragged him. "I'm not leaving you here."_

_Billy heaved Casey and he did everything he could to help so that Billy's effort wouldn't cost him his life. The broken bones in his arm and leg felt like they were tearing at muscles and tendons, but he wouldn't let Billy get hurt just because the Scotsman had been too stubborn to see a lost cause._

_"Almost there, Casey, just stay with me," Billy encouraged and Casey knew what he was asking of him. He couldn't lose consciousness because if he did, he would become dead weight and then Billy's attempt would have been in vain. They'd both be dead._

_There was something in Billy's voice though that Casey couldn't pinpoint. There was a strain there that was more than just the effort of pulling Casey to safety. Pain._

_Casey heard Billy groan and he tried that much harder to assist._

_"Just a wee bit more, Casey" Billy encouraged, his voice cracking with exertion and obvious pain that he couldn't disguise from Casey now._

_He then felt more hands grabbing at him and finally after another pull, all the hands let go simulaneously. Casey laid back to clear his head. Pain and exhaustion hit him then he heard Michael's voice._

_"My God, he's been shot! Get him out of here! NOW!"_

_Casey tried to turn to see what was happening. There next to him was Billy. It was then that Casey had gotten a full view of him. The front of his suit was covered in blood and he watched his chest rise and fall rapidly as if he was having trouble breathing. _

"_Billy?" Casey said, too much in shock of what he was seeing and the cognitive dissonance it created in his mind after seeing him pull him out of danger._

_Billy turned his head and smiled, still trying to hide his pain from Casey._

"_Y…you'll be..all right now, mate," Billy panted as he clenched his eyes in pain._

"_You should have left me behind, you idiot," Casey said more from concern than mean spiritedness._

_Billy's smile just grew._

_"C…couldn't do that…now could I? No man left behind, aye?"_

"_But –"_

"_No blame…no recrimination, right? It's…what we do. You'd've done the same," Billy breathed, licking his lips then arched in pain._

"_We've gotta get you out of here and get you patched up," Michael said._

_He watched Michael and Simms carry him and it was then he heard the groans of agony that Billy had clearly suppressed for his benefit. Casey then felt his own injuries catch up to him, the adrenaline gone. His world went black._

Present

"He almost died then. He'd lost a lot of blood," Casey said absently. "I didn't think anyone could survive that, but he proved me wrong."

Casey turned to Rick.

"And he'll do it again just to spite me."

Rick couldn't help but laugh at little at that. He could actually imagine Billy thinking that.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

**Name, Rank and Serial Number**

**Chapter 9**

After a few days, Billy's fever finally broke and he began to stir on his own. The doctors removed the ventilator and he was able to breathe on his own. He was still sleeping more than he was awake, but he had been able to answer questions and recognize those around him so once again a collective relief fell over everyone. Billy was recovering and other than a long road of healing then physical therapy ahead of him just to get him back on his feet again, there was no apparent permanent damage.

The visits still had to be just one person at a time so as to keep Billy from exhausting more than his body could handle, but no one complained least of all Billy. The first person given the privilege of a visit had been Rick. Billy had asked for him. For no really good reason, Rick had wondered why he had specifically wanted to see him.

He once again walked into Billy's room, the familiarity not at all comforting. Billy opened his eyes and turned his head to greet Rick with a weak, but sincere smile.

"Young Rick, I fear that you may have taken up permanent residence here."

Rick smiled.

"Maybe just a little."

"Seriously, lad, you're looking a wee bit ragged around the edges. You need to go home and get some rest," Billy said, his concern authentic.

Billy was concerned at the exhaustion that he saw in Rick. The rimmed redness within Rick's eyes, the weariness on his face borne out by the sagginess of his skin. Clearly the young operative hadn't been sleeping or eating well and he knew it was because of him.

Rick had been touched that after every thing Billy had gone through, all of it life threatening, he would be so worried over how he was feeling. He didn't know whether it was because he **was** exhausted, but Billy expressing such a simple concern for him after almost dying seemed to overwhelm him with emotion and it almost brought him to the brink of tears.

Billy noticed it. The expression spoke volumes of the struggles that Rick had endured and was working on overcoming. He felt responsible for them, irregardless of fault. Rick had become more than just a young charge placed into all of their cares, more than just a body to occupy an empty desk or to compliment their team with a fourth member. For Billy, he had become his personal responsibility. No more than his commitment to Michael and Casey, but different, perhaps because he saw a little of himself in Rick, understood the struggle he was going through because he had gone through something similar himself, maybe even worse.

Michael, Casey and he were jaded professionals of the spy game. They had told their share of dirty little lies to agents and assets alike to get what they needed and had gone through hell and back at the hands of assassins and people like Vlad. They had also stared into their own hearts of darkness, took forbidding glimpses into their shadowy souls and had been marked by what they had seen and done. However, Rick's inexperience, his youth, his innocent devotion to good were worth protecting. Billy had always known that the more missions Rick went on, the more those beliefs would be tested, being captured and tortured, witnessing torture inflicted was already challenging them, still, those experiences didn't have to redefine them, not if Billy could help it.

"I'll be okay," Rick said. "We've all been worried about you."

"Aye, I know, but the doctors seem to feel I'm finally on the mend this time round providing I behave myself."

Rick could only smile again. He had decided that there was nothing more reassuring than hearing Billy making jokes about his recovery.

"There was a purpose for me asking you here, but once that's accomplished, you have to promise me to go home and get your rest, in turn, **I** will promise that I'm not going anywhere, physically or spiritually, so you'll be able to rest easy now."

Rick took in a deep breath of relief and nodded.

"There was a moment when my fevered brain recalled a...painful memory from my time in the British Secret Service, a memory I have done my best to erase -"

"You don't owe me an explanation. You were hallucinating -" Rick insisted gently.

"Ah, not completely, lad. I had a moment of lucidity when I knew where I was and who I was relating the tale to," Billy said. "I need to put that part of my past behind me once and for all. It's defined me for far too long and as for owing you…make no mistake, I owe you much more than just telling you a meager chapter of my checkered career, but I hope that by doing so, entrusting it to someone who could benefit from the telling of it, it will bring me some peace and some clarity to you as well."

Rick's expression softened and he sat down in a nearby chair, caring to listen attentively for as long as Billy had needed him to be there.

"Nick and I, we came through University together, went through training together too. We were best mates. We'd done countless missions, many of them close calls. I acted like a right arrogant git back then, thinking I was James Bond or some such thing. Nick, he was the practical one, yeh? By the bloody book and all…but one mission…changed everything…changed me."

Billy closed his eyes in weariness.

"You don't have to do this now -"

"Yeh, I do, mate because I'm not sure I'll have the wherewithal to face it later and quite honestly, it's important to me that you know this."

Rick nodded.

"We were assigned to investigate a threat to the Queen, routine really or so we thought. I should have known that nothing about the job was routine, still, we didn't think anything of it, in fact, I was acting like it was beneath us both."

Billy closed his eyes and shook his head.

"We were ambushed while checking out a location given to us by someone whom we thought was a credible source. Turns out she was anything but," Billy swallowed down his emotion. "We got pinned down and in a stupidly reckless attempt to take down one of the conspirators, another one whom I hadn't seen was bearing down on me. Nick, he saw him, shouted and ran towards me. By the time I saw him…yelled at him to stop…it was too late. He'd caught the bullets meant for me."

Once again Billy fought off the impending emotion threatening to pull him under.

"In a rage that Casey would have appreciated, I killed the bastard…but I knew it was too late for Nick…too late for me…" Billy paused to take in a breath. "I got sanctioned for my reckless disregard for protocol and was 'encouraged' to leave the Service. Just as well because I had decided to quit by then if they hadn't suggested I leave. I'd lost my way there."

Rick had nothing but compassion and sympathy for Billy.

"Moral of the story, lad is that it was all for the best. Ending up in the ODS saved me from drowning myself in liquid self-pity and set me on a better destiny. It gave me purpose again and I now believe that everything happens for a reason. Still, what happened to me then changed me in ways that I can never get back, but it also gave me some much needed and newfound perspective and that's a good thing."

Billy's strength was waning and Rick could see it in his eyes, but he also saw him determined to fight off unconsciousness to finish what he had wanted to say.

"There is still a part of me that would give anything to relive that day and die in Nick's place not because of guilt anymore, but because he was the better man. He had so much more to give than I did and I regret his loss to this world, but that's all in the past now. In many ways, his death has given me more reasons to live than I ever had possessed before. I believe that my recklessness then was borne of an inner death wish or at the very least a complete lack of appreciation for life. It took Nick dying to make me see that. I now honor him by never casting blame or recrimination because it's a waste of time. What's done cannot be undone. I'm not Liam anymore. I'm glad to be Billy Collins, a member of the ODS."

Rick nodded.

"I know that what you went through has given you doubts and it's understandable, but I'm here to tell you that there is nothing to regret for you or for me other than maybe that you had to go through it at all. I would make the same choices all over again without hesitation. There's one thing you'll need to find a way to accept about me for I'm too long in the spy craft to change now and that I will never accept not giving all I have to keep you, Michael and Casey from harm. This is immutable. So you mustn't harbor any guilt for what happened. Every decision was mine to make and I wouldn't take any of them back, not a one."

Billy finally had to surrender to the combination of meds and fatigue. His last words had been driven home effectively for Rick. Like Billy, there would always be a part of him that would wish things had been different, that it had been him instead of Billy who had suffered the torture, but hearing Billy absolve him, having him accept that in the end, nothing would have changed from Billy's perspective, made his acceptance of what had happened, his ability to move past it easier. Billy had given all of them an implied pass that he had hoped would be enough for any of them to survive should Billy ever not and though losing Billy would haunt them all if it ever happened, they knew that because of his gift of forgiveness, they would be able to move on, if not so easily as he would like to believe he could be forgotten. On that, Billy had well underestimated his impact.

**FIN. Thanks for reading and for reviewing. I hope that the conclusion was satisfying. I really enjoyed writing this story. It became a monumental one from starting out as just a simple hurt/comfort story. Thanks for sticking with it.**


End file.
